If it’s not one thing, it’s an otter!

So, My Mate Chris is scared of bears, sharks and of course, rabbits. This is probably an irrational fear as he lives in Dorset,where bears and sharks never go and rabbits are easily warded off with local charms. However, we will be riding a couple of triple cylinder motos through British Columbia and in to Alaska, where bears do indeed live, feed and do things in the woods that one would hope to avoid stepping in.

But it turns out that bears might be the least of our problems.

Otters.

Yes, it is true, far more terrifying than bears, or even rabbits, are the horrific stories of the KUSHTAKA, a shape shifting, soul eating, baby stealing race of scary bastard, otter people that are responsible for almost 3,000 disappearances a year in the so called, “Alaskan Triangle“.

Fuck that.

Yeah, so according to the Tlingit tribe, the Kushtaka, which literally translates as,”Land Otter People”, live in the woods and lure bikers away from their tents at night and do one of two things:

a) They slice them open with their otter feet and eat your soul,

Or

b) They make you into one of the Land Otter People.

Fuck this, also.

Oh bollocks!

Now, I have a few questions that I will ask any of the Tlingits I meet on my trip. These questions can probably also be answered by any Kushtaka I meet, although I feel that it is more likely that I will meet a Tlingit and if I meet any Kushtaka, I am not sure if the opportunity will arise for conversation?

Firstly, how is it that the pictorial depictions of the otter people as shown above look absolutely nothing like otters? One wonders if the Tlingits have ever even seen an otter?

I would gladly follow this one in to the woods

Secondly, and maybe this should have been first, 3,000 people a year?! That is so many people. Are we really losing that many humas to the otter folk? That’s more people than died in all 8 seasons of Son’s of Anarchy!

Third, and perhaps this should be first, what is the criteria by which you get to become an otter people (person?) rather than being disemboweled by tiny feet? Because, while I am in no hurry to spend the rest of my life luring unsuspecting people away from camp sites at an alarming rate, it does have a certain appeal when given the alternative of a gruesome agonizing death, bleeding out in the wilderness while some rodent chews on your soul.

Furthermore, if I do become one of the land otters, do I get to keep my bike?

Thank you internet.
I did a Google search for “otter on motorcycle”. Like seriously, what the actual fuck? How is this a thing?

So, that was fun, wasn’t it? Please join in with some otter puns in the comments section.

4 thoughts on “If it’s not one thing, it’s an otter!”

  1. It’s probably just otter nonsense.
    But its wise not to trust furry woodland creatures. They’re generally utter bastards. Beavery careful mate!

  2. Hi Paul , I live in Otterbourne in the UK. I often drink on the Otter pub . We are terrorised by Otters here . Very dangerous especially when cornered . I even installed otter guards on my motorbike in case a gang of them get a bit frisky down by the stream at the Nisa . I have no idea what I am typing right now Love your blog , keep blogging your trip sounds excellent – one day I would love to do something as cool

    1. I am familiar with both otterbourne and its lovely pub. Beavery careful, my friend, it’s all very fishy. The KUSHTAKA may well come for you, maybe tonight? Let me know how it goes.
      And you are very cool (in your own way).

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